there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
