Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
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Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
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Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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