I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Randomize
