FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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