Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I wish you could order shots online.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
