I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
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No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
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and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
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