I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Randomize
