Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
