Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
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I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
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Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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