I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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