My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
