Oh man dude like 1000 to 1500 milligrams. Its gonna burn like bad though.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
