I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Randomize
