my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
it's like iHOP with fire
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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