It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
you didnt know i had herpes?
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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