you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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