I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
