she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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