You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
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