I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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