ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
