yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
he thought i was a dude.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
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