You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
