i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
