I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
