it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.