dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone