as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
