Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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