If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
