If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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