My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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