Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
