I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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