The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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