I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
