My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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