should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
The air was thick with penises
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
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