i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
