I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
30+ People Share Their Worst ‘Intimate Experience’ And They’re Traumatizing
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
25 Shocking High School Scandals You Won’t Believe Are True
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
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