Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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