If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
