We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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