No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
