The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Randomize
