Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Randomize
