i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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