just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
