I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
