I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
