dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
