I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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