Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
