why didn't you poke me back
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
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I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
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You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.