My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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