did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
