I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Randomize
