she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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