Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
